I Need Practice

I apologize to any who are fairly regular about following this blog. It has not been as regular as in the past. Not because I am losing interest but because many of my thoughts and actions have been directed towards my very recent separation, and that is not something that I want to discuss in detail. I have found that this form of journalizing, where others may be following it, adds some discipline to the practice of reflection but I have not been doing much of that at this time.

In the journey of self discovery that I have been on, meditation is repeatedly pointed to as a practice that is necessary. However, many times meditation is described as an awkward sitting position, in which you imagine melting into the floor or enter your body or repeat mantras. But all of that is really the "stretching" before the meditation. I am coming to believe that these actions are warm-ups to put you into the proper frame of mind for reflection.

I am finding that it is through reflection that I am growing the most quickly. What do I reflect on? Mostly I think back to a situation that generated some feeling or energy and I start to wonder, to ask questions? And the focus of all those questions is ME. What was I feeling? Why do I feel like I have to react that way? Is this the 'now' or am I involving the past (which no longer exists) or a future expectation (which isn't here yet)?

The action of reflection reminds me that the real power around us is our reaction to what is around us and that reaction is in our control. I am finding more and more that unpleasant situations were so because of my reaction; and, in fact, my reaction may have made the situation more unpleasant than it would otherwise have been. I would like to blame others for any negative feelings, but they were, after all, my feelings.

When I do this type of reflection (meditation), I sometimes come to larger realizations. But I am human and humans tend to have amnesia when it comes to realizations that involve true wisdom. So I try to write them down. I have a very good track record of remembering what I right and so this blog has been very helpful. But I have a personal journal as well and that holds the deepest revelations of self. But I have been remiss in working on it during this period of my life. So I need to apologize to myself for not working on the journal!

I believe that there is almost too much to reflect on (or so I sometimes tell myself). But that is just an excuse. I am not one to let others off the hook so I won't allow myself off the hook either! I need to get back into deeper and more frequent meditation of my marriage and my reactions to this separation. I now have the space and the quiet to do that without new fuel for a fire (our marriage) that I have lost perspective on.

There is a great book out there called ‘The Passionate Marriage’. The author says that a marriage is a place where two rough stones rub against each other and, hopefully, polish each other into gems. The thought is that true development comes from challenge and there is a lot of that in marriage! Jon and I have certainly done a whole lot of sanding on each other and much of it was good and necessary. If all is in perfect alignment, when we get to gem status there should be little or no abrasiveness left. But life is rarely in perfect alignment. I am choosing to see this time in my life as one where the belt sander has been turned off because one does not wish to grind too much in the wrong spots. I will look at myself, the gem, and see what the grinding to date has accomplished.

I do not know what the future holds. I won’t even say that it would be nice if Jon and I could reconcile because I do not know if that is the best or even desired future for either of us. What I do know is that he has been a big part of my life; someone who has played a big part in making me who I am at this moment. And I am proud of who I am, so Thanks!