30th Anniversary

Wednesday was Jon's and my 30th wedding anniversary. We are awaiting news any day that the divorce is final. I was very busy on Wednesday because I have lots going on at work and I also had an HOA Board meeting that night. But I did have drive time to reflect on the anniversary.

First I started to wonder about the purpose of anniversaries. Why do we have them. They were never a big deal for Jon and I. Many times there were just like any day. I suppose they are supposed to be a celebration but then I think there is something also defeatist about celebrating that people made it one more year! Sounds like they could give up any time and the miracle is making the year. Then I thought that maybe it was a miracle that we make it one more year.

Relationships are really hard but not for the reason that we think they are when we are in them. I think we focus on the other partner and their shortcomings and their flaws and our feelings about them. But the really hard part is knowing that when we have those feelings we are supposed to look at ourselves, honestly and deeply, not at our partner. Those feelings come from the fact that we don't accept something in the other person and therefore we want it to be different. But it won't be different just because we wish it. And we rarely think to look at ourselves and how unaccepting we are.

The year of counseling and the time to reflect, together with the time without a partner has helped me see the stress my nonacceptance created in me. But I have also come to realize that it is OK that I don't want to accept the things I didn't like. It was not OK to try to get them to change - it was me that needed to change. And I did. I decided not be in that particular partnership any longer.

It was a good decision for both of us, I think. It is easy to get back the feelings of resentment and frustration, anger and bitterness, if I speak certain patterns in my mind. But that is what I decided to get away from, so I don't go there much, if at all. Instead I reflected this anniversary on how lucky I was that I was able to continue to grow as a person through our marriage and that at the end, I was able to, in essence, outgrow our marriage. We may have made mistakes and hurt each other along the way, but I think we both wound up getting out of it in a real mature and positive way. Now that is something to celebrate!