Holidays Come and Gone

Thank goodness the holidays are over! I am generally someone who loves the holiday season. I get into the decorations, music and, most especially, the food. But this year was very hard for me. We had Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and New Year's pretty much as in years past, and that was the difficult part for me. They should not have been the same. A 30-year relationship is being unwound - the days should not be just as they were for the past 30 years. But in a weird twilight zone kind of way they were.

We spent Christmas Eve at Anya's. Dave came late because he was working. We had a very nice meal and watched the kids open a few presents. Christmas morning we went to Anya's early for breakfast and to see the kids open their presents from Anya and Adam. Around noon they came to my house to open presents from Dave and me. Jon was at all of these doings and we were pleasant to each other but it didn't feel right for me. It was really too much exposure. Like sunburn being exposed to hot water. Ouch!

I am having my ups and downs dealing with decades of suppressed (and not so suppressed) emotions. That little voice in my head that is always ready to offer its critique of the situation (and usually that critique makes me feel horrible) has been working overtime. But I am trying hard not to give it too much attention. I have other things to work out.

So I have been doing research on the process of divorce in AZ and believe that Jon and I can do all of the work ourselves without a lawyer, assuming we can come to terms with dividing our assets. That obviously brings up another painful subject but I think we are both persevering. I will have to work out the documents that must be presented to the court and it looks like we must live apart a year before the divorce will be final. We have separated almost all of the daily stuff, like bank accounts, credit cards and bills. I am hoping to get the divorce documents drafted and filed in January.

On Monday, I will be speaking with my current boss, Christa, to discuss whether we both wish me to continue at IIA College, where I have been acting as Interim CFO. Although the college has great benefits and some good people, I have not felt comfortable with all that is happening at this company. Not to say that there is anything happening there unethical or anything, it is just a very political environment and one in which I do not feel that I wish to get involved. There is enough stress in my life right now with the marital changes, without having to deal with an organization that sometimes feels more like junior high than a postsecondary educational institution. So I guess there is a good chance that we will part ways in the next few weeks or months, which will leave me unemployed again, and out of COBRA (medical benefits).

Happy New Year! While many would say that it is a lousy way to start the year, I am trying to cast it much differently. There is a possibility of finding a workplace that I love, there is a chance to develop new friends and acquaintances and new interests that will take me past my current loneliness towards a much more uplifting and interesting lifestyle and finally there is the sense of accomplishment that I will have when I get beyond the loss of marriage, job and benefits and realize that I was capable of meeting those challenges in my life. It is kind of funny when I really honestly look at this situation. Inside I say I can't do it, that it is too hard and that it is isn't fair. And when I hear that in my head, I see a child standing there, stomping their foot, and saying "No fair!"

Children give up or fuss or try to get out of unpleasantness. I just want to get the unpleasantness over with and get to the good stuff. It is a change in my life that I believe I will get to the good stuff. I tell people all the time at work to stop attracting the negative juju and start calling for the good juju (that's the term I use). And guess what? They have been starting to look for good juju and have been finding it. I am looking too!

Thank goodness that the holidays have come and gone. Now it is a new year and one that I hope will have tons of good juju for me - and for you!