Fuzzy Sinuses

The last few weeks have been tumultuous for me. I mean that mostly in an emotional sense, as I work through disidentifying with being a couple and move towrds finding me. I have been listening to spiritual teaching tapes that have helped me focus on letting go and also dealing with emotional pain. Interesting things have been happening.

The first is that I have found a way that helps me get through those weepy periods faster. On occasion I will find myself tear up and start to cry. The normal first reaction is for me to try to stop it. This seems to have the result of making it worse. So instead I have tried to just focus on what happens in my body when I start to cry. For anyone who knows me they will immediately say "Deb gets a red nose!" It's true that somewhere in my history I must be descended from Rudolph, because when I cry I could light the way through the darkest blizzard!

Once I started to focus on my body, I found that a fuzzy feeling started in my sinuses and my nose got hot. I got so interested in this phenomenon, that I stopped crying! Then I was, like a scientist, trying to get myself to cry so I could examine the feeling, but like lots of scientific experiments, I could not duplicate the circumstances. Any way, I realized that by actually focusing on the body's reaction to my emotion I had actually validated the emotion and it didn't need to up the ante. Good stuff!

I also started reading a book called "The Wisedom of Menopause". Interestly, this has given me the most balanced perspective on my divorce of anything to date. The author describes how and why so many women wind up getting divorced during perimenopause and menopause and it made sense to me. According to Dr. Northrup (the author), women have a strong clarity of thought up to puberty, at which time hormones start to fog our brains to gear us up for reporduction, child rearing and caregiving. These hormones set the stage for all of that nurturing that nature needs from us to procreate. When we go through perimenopause, our bodies are starting to rewire the brain for life after childbearing. This starts to bring us back to a calirty of thought that we did not have since childhood. The severity of symptoms during this time period are directly related to our emotions and our situations during the "fog" years. The more that we have denied ourselves and/or our bodies, the more extreme the symptoms will be. Our body's wisedom manifests itself and tries to get us to pay attention.

At this same time, men go through there own metamorphosis and wish to center mostly in home and domesticity - just when women wish to go back out and live. I have thought a lot about all of this and how it relates to me and my marriage. I beleive that those hormones had me caretaking up a storm - David, Anya and most especially Jon. Then the kids were gone, and Jon's depression and alcoholism created an ever increasing need for caretaking. I, however, was going through my own changes, and my body started to let me know that I needed to take care of me. I ignored those signs, and almost died (I went through a period where I almost bled to death and it was starting to cause chest pains and involve the heart!)

My year off was done to regain my health and to work on what was happening with my marriage. That year showed me that I had a choice to make. Jon could not change. He needed a great deal of caretaking and the negative energy from his chronic depression was debilitating. Since he couldn't change, I had to decide whether it was him or me.

I think that the greatest pain comes from the realization that I thought I was the martyr type, but in the end I chose me. Ironically, I think that by choosing me, I probably also helped Jon. I think that he now has no choice but to make decisions for himself. There is no longer a caretaker for him. He has fallen and he can't get up! But now he gets to decide what he will do down there, die or fight to live.

For me, I have a whole new project ahead of me - finding out how I am supposed to care for myself. I have started by standing my ground on the work front - reducing hours worked and refusing to get into tasks or situations that raise negative energy in me. I find myself paying attention to my energy and getting better sleep, and remembering to eat a little more regularly (although I have much more to do in this area). I practice paying attention to my thoughts but not getting worked up by them. Rather I try to stear them to positive reinforcement. The one that makes me smile the most is "I am beautiful." That one cracks me up because I have never felt it, at least as it relates to my personal appearance, but I am starting to feel it on the inside. I think that the energy from the universe that is me is awesome. It is curious, caring and compassionate. It is funny, fearless and fabulous. It is usually my ego that takes it down. The ego is getting quieter. Thank God!

I don't know where I am going or what I will be doing. But I am getting interested and eager in finding out! Yeah, the last couple of weeks have been a roller coaster. That's OK though, because I do feel alive! I hope that anyone who reads this blog, at least once in a while, gets to feel the same!